- May 1, 2024
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Graduates, it’s your lucky day.
So you’ve just finished school and you’re excited — but you’re also terrified. Trust me, I know the feeling. For most of your life, you’ve been warned about the dreaded “real world.” Teachers have used it as intimidation to trick you into studying. Parents have explained to your horror that, there, nobody cleans your room for you or makes sure you get out of bed on time in the morning.
You don’t know much about this strange and elusive place, but you know for sure that, to survive in it, you’ve got to have some serious street smarts.
That’s where I come in.
As my gift to you — from one former student to another — I’ve compiled a list of all you’ll need to know to get started out there, from building a resume to accepting your first job.
Read carefully, and feel free to photocopy for friends. But, please, be discrete. If the Real World Police ever get wind of this, I’ll deny we ever spoke.
No. 1: Stand out.
Before building a resume, the first thing every applicant should do is assign themselves a nickname. This couldn’t be more crucial. Plastered in bold at the top of your resume, something like, “John ‘Boom Shakalaka’ Smith, for example, is perfect.
Nicknames show sass, but also culture. And employers love diversity.
No. 2: Stand tough.
Don’t be afraid to lace your cover letter in subtle, indirect threats. Never just sit around and wait for a career to be given to you; reach out and take it! Employers crave confrontation. Prove that you’re a go-getter.
Try something like: “I won’t lie to you, I have no real ‘math’ skills, per se (Think I’m some kind of pencil-neck geek?). But I’m scrappy, not the kind of guy you bring home to mama. I can eat a whole habanero pepper without breaking a sweat. And talk about loose cannons! With my temper, well, I could only imagine what I’d do if I didn’t get a callback for this job ... ”
No. 3: Be different.
Every applicant is going to talk about their “credentials” and “skills.” But not you. Surprise employers with your fresh, nonconformist point of view.
Under “Skills,” write “Don’t get me started.” In Education, ask “School of Hardknocks ring any bells?” And for Strengths, swing for the fences. Just type “Thighs.”
No. 4: Go topsy-turvy.
Interviewers want to know about you, sure, but they’re also tired of asking all the questions.
Take the reins.
They might ask, “So, why do you want to be a software-implementation representative?” Then you counter, “Better question: Why would you wear that tie with that shirt? Really not doing you any favors, bucko.”
This response will show that A) you’re not afraid to speak your mind, and B) you’ve got an undeniably keen eye for style.
It’s true: from college, you’ve racked up dozens, maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars in school debt. But so what? Never forget: It’s all Monopoly money. And, lucky for you, you’ve got options.
Can’t find work? Easy — just defer your loans, for as long as you need to. It’s the American way. And your parents were secretly hoping you would move back in with them after school anyway, so make their day!
Immediately tear down all that junk they’ve set up in your old room and re-hang your Batman and Metallica posters. Everyone agreed they tied the whole room together anyway.
Follow these easy tips and you’ll be starting your new life in no time. After all, how do you think I landed this sweet Palm Coast Observer gig? I’ll never forget Brian McMillan’s face when he looked up from the part in my resume that read, “It’s not easy being green,” and saw my feet kicked up on his desk.
I smacked my gum, blew the biggest bubble I could muster and said, “As you can see, my resume speaks for itself, big guy. I can start immediately.”
And now I’m business editor.
I don’t know about you, but I’d say that calls for a “boom.” And might I add: shakalaka.
Know a better way to beat the real world? Email [email protected].
