Chef Cavaliere: currently accepting smooches

Palm Coast Observer
Opinion

I love May for one reason and one reason only: the smooches.

As I’m sure all of you are aware, May is National Barbecue month and so, naturally, it is when my “Kiss the Chef” apron and, likewise, my smackers, get the most action. I’m no mathematician, but this one month a year, I’d say my day-to-smooch ratio reaches a solid 1:3.

And that’s not including the days I don my “Kiss the Chef” pajamas or tie when I’m away from the grill.

But what I love most about May is the encouragement I get from the federal government to explore grilling opportunities I was too stubborn to consider before being prompted by a national push. Thanks to Uncle Sam, the past few weeks have been a revelation.

Why always microwave a bag of popcorn when grilling it gives you that good smoky flavor, for instance? Is a bowl of Froot Loops always better cold, or is throwing it over charcoal for a few minutes just what the doctor ordered? And who says grill lines on a salad are a bad thing?

The possibilities are endless here, folks. And I’m not the only one getting in on the excitement.

All through May, Woody’s Bar-B-Q is giving away free meals and offering sales. And that’s great. But it also got me thinking about the other months of the year — National Fiber Focus Month in January, National Bird Feeding Month in February, National Soft Pretzel Month in April ...

What’s being done for them?

A born trailblazer, I decided to dive headfirst, with almost no regard for my own well-being, into research. From Audiobook Month in June to International Calendar Awareness Month in December (that one went global), there are about 200 national to international month designations every year.

But could you name even 12? Somebody’s dropping the ball here.

Look over a list of these months, or even at a few underground nonprofits (ever heard of the Apostrophe Protection Society in Britain? These rogues have been in action since 2001), and it’s easy to see that, nowadays, setting up pretty much anything is fair game. But where’s the follow-through?

So I plan to do something about it. Even if I’m the only one in Palm Coast, or even the entire world, to participate, I will now decree my own holidays. Because you can never have too many reasons to celebrate.

In June — or as I now proclaim it, National Mooch Off Of My Friends At Parties Month — I will, not once, contribute any food or drink to any get-togethers held at any time.

Somebody around here has to stand for something, for crying out loud.

In July — or, National Blow Your Entire Paycheck on New Music Month — I vow to fill my shopping cart full with new LPs, EPs, maybe some old vinyls and any top-shelf surround sound equipment I need to in order to ensure that this month is not forgotten.

Maybe my favorite month, though, August — or, National Wake Up Late and Tell My Boss It’s Because My Alarm Clock Keeps Malfunctioning Month — will be here before we know it. And I, for one, have already begun to decorate.

Drive by my house and check out the dim holiday nightlights and sleeping cap flag flying high over the lawn. But, please, drive quietly. Some of us are trying to get some shut-eye.

Remember, guys, it’s not whether or not a holiday is accredited by the feds that make it special. It’s whether we, in our hearts, buy into its message.

At least for me, I know this going to be a great summer, and it’s because I believe in something. From National I Forgot My Wallet, Can You Spot Me For Dinner? Month in January, to National I’d Drive But My Car Is Low On Gas Month in December, this is culture and heritage I look forward to passing down for generations.

But before we get into any of that, I still have a week or two left of smooches to collect. So come on out by the pool. Grab a burger. Enjoy the summer.

I’ll be the one covered in lipstick marks.