- April 19, 2024
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The other day I drove by a UPS truck that had mean-looking yellow flames painted on the grill and on the sides. I thought, UPS drivers are already recognized as the sexiest men in the world. Adding flames is just plain unfair for the rest of us who are trying through conventional means like publishing newspapers.
The truck’s visibility made me think of all the political candidates who are doing everything they can to distinguish themselves. There is probably a technicality against using a UPS truck in a campaign, so my advice is for one of the School Board candidates to borrow a school bus as a campaign vehicle. There is plenty of room on the side of the bus to paint campaign slogans like “What’s all the bus about? Vote John Doe.”
Whoever uses this strategy should also make some cardboard cutouts and put one in every seat to simulate support from the school children.
If that’s not your style, a candidate could try to adopt a signature item. Everyone would vote for someone who was identified, for example, as the Fanny Pack Candidate. It’s proof that you’re down to earth. That you don’t even know the definition of a focus group.
This strategy would also open doors for tremendous twists on the clichés used in candidate forums: “Will this initiative solve our unemployment crisis? No, but in these tough economic times, it’s one more tool in the fanny pack.”
The candidates for sheriff should consider a strategy of hiring people all around the county to commit crimes simultaneously. A huge crime spree would be absolute proof that the sheriff needs to be replaced and could be reinforced by another dramatic debate moment: “Sheriff, if you’re so good at stopping crime, then how did I steal this?!” — and the candidate holds up the sheriff’s belt.
My favorite campaign strategy, though, is the time-honored, small-town tradition employed by incumbent Property Appraiser Jay Gardner and Tax Collector Suzanne Johnston: Run unopposed.
